Thoughts of Rebellion (Part Two, Chapter Five)

I felt a pang in my stomach when I realized that Syme had been vaporized. His name had completely disappeared, and no one seemed to miss him. He was gone forever. It was like he had never existed. Meanwhile, preparations for Hate Week had begun to get bigger and bigger. Banners were made, songs created, and posters were pasted everywhere in London. Normally I would feel even more depressed and sick than usual at these proceedings, but my meetings with Julia have changed me. I have stopped drinking gin, my varicose ulcer has significantly subsided, and I have almost completely stopped coughing. I cannot remember a time when I felt so great. I have told Julia of my feelings about O'Brien being on our side. She thinks that I am right, and that sometime soon we should try to contact him. I have also learned that Julia can be quite insightful into the Party's actions. For example, she proposed one day that it was not the enemy who continued to drop rocket bombs on us, and that it was the Party, as a way to keep people scared and to remind them that Oceania is at war. But when I begin to speak with her about the Party's motives, beliefs, and ideas, she seems not to care. Her response is that it is all lies, so why think about it. I find the the Party's motives mysterious, and I strive to understand them. But Julia does accompany me in my quest for truth. Despite this, I still love her, and I am afraid to lose her. I can sense that we will soon be caught. But until then, we must continue to commit our small acts of rebellion, and enjoy every minute of it.