A New Love (Part Three, Chapter Six)

I was in the Chestnut Tree Cafe. They had released me, and given me a new job having to do with some unimportant aspect of the Newspeak language. They did not care what I did any more. I had met with Julia after we were both released. She had changed significantly. She told me that she had betrayed me. I told her that I had done the same. I could tell that she hated me. I could also tell she was not the same person any longer. I was thinking about all of this while I sat in the cafe and drank the horrible Victory Gin. The telescreen had reported that the Party was fighting Eurasia (the current enemy) in Africa. I hoped that the Party would defeat them, but it did not seem likely, in their current situation. I remembered times from my childhood, when I was with my family. But they were false memories. They were not real. O'Brien had proved that to me. Yet I still hated Big Brother. Then a trumpet call issued from the telescreen. The Party had won. Everyone around me was quite ecstatic. I knew that the Party would win, even despite all of my doubts. Then it happened. I felt the last change happen. I looked up at the huge poster of Big Brother on the wall. I loved him. It was over. The Party had won.

Room 101 (Part Three, Chapter Five)

I was locked into a chair so that I could not move, in a fairly large cell, with two tables in it. I felt fear, but I did not know what to be afraid of. Then O'Brien entered the room. A guard came in after him and placed a small box on a table on the other side of the room. O'Brien began talking about the worst fears in the world for different people. I could see that the box on the table had some sort of mask-like attachment on its side. It seemed to be divided into two compartments. Inside each compartment were rats. I felt a terrible fear run through my body. I seemed to have gone wild. I could tell what was going to happen now. I screamed out in blind panic. O'Brien continued to talk in his didactic manner. O'Brien brought the cage over and put it on the table closer to me. I could not think at all. All I could do was yell for O'Brien to stop. He picked up the cage and began to put it nearer to my face. I realized I had to think of a solution to escape. Then I realized I had to interpose the body of another person in between myself and the rats. As the mask started to touch my face, I yelled out for O'Brien to do it to anyone but me. I said do it to Julia. I had left the room in my mind and was flying through all of creation. But O'Brien was still at my side. I could hear the click of the cage shut. I felt a huge amount of relief. But I had betrayed Julia. They had finally gotten me.

Recuperation (Part Three, Chapter Four)

Finally, I could relax. I was placed in a cell that felt fairly comfortable, and I was fed three meals per day. I was allowed much time to recuperate. Most of the time I just slept. But I soon started to exercise myself and walk around. I started to write on a slate that they gave me. I felt that I had been converted; I was totally on their side, except for deep down inside me, where I still held my true beliefs. Then, after so long of doing so well, I yelled out in my sleep for Julia. I had ruined everything. O'Brien and a guard soon came to the door. O'Brien said I was to go to Room 101. I felt great panic. I had no idea what was to come, but I knew I would not like it. I knew all along that I would be sentenced to go there though. It had just been a matter of time before it happened.

The Stage of Understanding (Part Three, Chapter Three)

After so many interrogations with O'Brien, I had become quite proficient at avoiding pain. I simply had to think on my feet and respond intelligently. As always, I enjoyed talking with O'Brien, but at the same time I hated it. He could predict every possible response or argument of mine, and was always able to thwart it with the Party's ridiculous logic. The first time I was hurt in a long time is when O'Brien asked me why the Party should want power. I answered with the most likely response of that the Party wanted power to help guide the people. I was immediately silenced by the wave of pain that flowed through my body. O'Brien said that the Party wanted power for simply the sake of having power. They only wanted to have complete control over everyone for all time to come. He went on to say that the Party made the rules of science and that they are the most powerful group anywhere. I knew that I was right, but he always had a reason to back up his opinion. It was so frustrating to deal with him. The most shocking moment of the questionng period though, was when O'Brien told me to stand up and look up at myself in the mirror. I saw a skeleton figure staring back at me when I did so. I saw how terribly I had been treated during the time I was there. When I accused O'Brien of doing it to me, he said that I had done it to myself. I felt even more helpless and weak after this. But I still had something that they had not gotten to. I had my beliefs tucked away in my inner mind, and I still had my love for Julia.

The "Learning" Phase (Part Three, Chapter Two)

After endless beatings in the hands of mindless thugs, I was physically destroyed. I had confessed everything I had done, even actions that I had not committed. I whimpered at every blow and soon would cry and beg even before the beatings had started. Then my interrogations changed form to where I was yelled at and questioned by various Party intellectuals, who used less hurtful methods of physical torture. But their words were the most painful, and all I could do was sob in response to them. I felt utterly helpless at all of this, and I just wished that it would stop. Then one day I was strapped to a bed and O'Brien was next to me. He administered a terrible sort of pain to me, that cause me to feel like I was being ripped apart. O'Brien began to talk to me as if I was a student who he thought was promising, and who he desires to spend time on. He would ask me questions that I had to answer cleverly, otherwise I would be hurt again. Although he was the one who administered the pain, I felt that O'Brien was my protector, since he so graciously stopped the pain. I felt like he was so powerful and intelligent, that he could defeat any argument I proposed, even though I knew I was always right. He used pain as a way to get me to believe the impossible. I could only hope that I would be able to keep my inner mind safe, and clear from the nonsense I was being told.

Starvation and Confusion (Part Three, Chapter One)

When I was first placed in the jail along with proletariat prisoners and other Party prisoners, I felt uncomfortable and worried. But most of all I was fearful. I was not scared of the rough prisoners around me, but instead of what would happen to me soon to come. I knew there would be terrible pain and horrible methods of torture awaiting me in the following days. When I was moved into another cell, I was racked by a terrible starvation that gnawed at me for what seemed like many days. When I encountered Ampleforth in the cell, I was surprised, but when Parsons was put in the cell, I was thoroughly shocked. I did not think that he would ever be brought into the Ministry of Love. After that, when many different prisoners arrived, I sat silently and did not say anything. I was frightened at the harsh punishment that a chinless prisoner received for trying to give a piece of read to another starving man. When the guards came to take the starving man away to someplace called Room 101, he screamed and protested with all his might, but he was still taken there. I am still confused about what is in Room 101 exactly, and I am afraid to know. Finally, I was alone again. Then O'Brien entered the room with a guard carrying a truncheon. I was amazed that O'Brien was here too, but I could not understand why. Then the guard hit me on the elbow with the truncheon. I had thought about whether I would be willing to increase physical pain to save Julia. I had decided that I could not do it. The pain was unbearable. It was not worth it to increase my pain for Julia's sake. All I could do was beg for mercy and hope my torturers would stop.

Capture (Part Two, Chapter Ten)

I felt completely content after resting after the many days that I spent at the office. I had really come to enjoy my meetings with Julia. We were standing looking out the window at a prole woman singing as she did laundry. Although it felt so perfect and so right standing there, I knew that it could not last for long. Soon we would be caught, and we may never see each other again. But we had to enjoy every moment of life until then. Just at that moment when we were looking out the window, a voice from a telescreen spoke behind us. We had been caught. Soon the room was filled with police, and then Mr. Charrington entered. I realized he had been a member of the Thoughtpolice all along. The guards smashed the little snow globe to pieces. I realized then how small and futile our rebellion had been against such a powerful adversary as the Party. All I could do was hope that I would not lose Julia, and that she would be all right.

The Guide to Rebellion (Part Two, Chapter Nine)

After almost five whole days of working to change all Party documents from having Eurasia as the enemy, to Eastasia as the enemy, I was completely exhausted. But I was also excited. This was because before the five day long working stretch began, I had been handed a brief case during a Hate Week demonstration. I knew that it contained Goldstein's book, but I did not have anytime to look at it in the office. But I was given most of Sunday off, and I was able to meet with Julia in our room above the antiques shop, where I could read it in peace. When I first started to read it, I began the first chapter, then I decided to skip around and read the third chapter. Although I already knew everything Goldstein explained, reading it helped to confirm my hate of the Party. When I read it to Julia she did not seem that interested, but she agreed with everything that it outlined. At times it has seemed like I am the insane one, and everyone else is normal. But then I knew for sure that I was right. We who hate the Party may be in the minority, but that does not mean that we are wrong. We are actually the only ones who are right.

A Meeting At Long Last (Part Two, Chapter Eight)

When Julia and I first entered O'Brien's sitting room, my heart was thumping so loudly I felt that I could hardly hear him speak. For a second I thought that I was wrong, that O'Brien had really only wanted to give a Newspeak dictionary to me, and he was not a member of the fabled Brotherhood. But after I had stated my purpose in being there, and O'Brien showed that he was also a hater of the Party, I felt a huge wave of relief and joy sweep over my body. O'Brien's questions about to what extent we would serve the Brotherhood, although seemingly harsh, only strengthened my hate of the Party, and loyalty to the conspiracy. I was amazed at the luxuries that O'Brien enjoyed. The delectable food, the inviting house, the ability to turn off the telescreen, and the servant were all foreign to me. I saw how the Party had created such a distinct set of social classes, where most of the riches were in the hands of only a small number of people. This helped to justify the rebellion against the Party even more in my mind. Goldstein's book, which O'Brien promised would soon be given to me secretly, would contain the answers to any questions that I did not have time to ask O'Brien. I felt ecstatic that I had finally found a way into the rebellion. I could not back out now.

A Dream (Part Two, Chapter Seven)

Asleep in the bed above the old antiques shop with Julia, I dreamt of my childhood, when I was so cruel to my family. I remember the time I stole chocolate from my sister, when my mother had already given me three quarters of the slab of candy. I was greedy and cruel back then. I wish that I had been much kinder and loving towards my poor family. I thought up until I had that dream, that I had killed them, because of their mysterious disappearance. I feel so rueful and shameful at my horrific actions as a child. My mother had always protected me, and gave me the best she could, but I now realized that it was all hopeless in the face of the Party. They could destroy all family bonds and did not feel sorry. Therefore, Party members have lost all their love instincts, except for those that pertain to the Party. But the Proles, who had retained their close ties and were oblivious to harsh Party rule, were still human. They still had human feelings and connections that were not effected by the Party. Even though I know Julia and I will eventually be caught, it is better to be truly human now, instead of separating from each other and losing our humanity altogether.

A Flicker of Hope (Part Two, Chapter Six)

Finally, my long held desire had been appeased. As I was walking through a corridor in the Ministry of Truth, I was approached by O'Brien, who said to me that he would give me a copy of the Eleventh Edition of the Newspeak dictionary at his house. I knew that he was part of the rebellion, part of the Brotherhood, part of the small group of sane people left in the world now for sure. I was at first dumbfounded at his boldness in talking to me directly in front of a telescreen, and amazed that he even decided to talk to me in the first place. Later, when I had time to organize my thoughts, I realized that I had finally reached the outer edges of the fight against the Party. But I knew now for sure that the next step in my life would be my capture, imprisonment, and torture in the Ministry of Love. But I have excepted this, and I care only that the Party should be destroyed, even if it means sacrificing my body.

Thoughts of Rebellion (Part Two, Chapter Five)

I felt a pang in my stomach when I realized that Syme had been vaporized. His name had completely disappeared, and no one seemed to miss him. He was gone forever. It was like he had never existed. Meanwhile, preparations for Hate Week had begun to get bigger and bigger. Banners were made, songs created, and posters were pasted everywhere in London. Normally I would feel even more depressed and sick than usual at these proceedings, but my meetings with Julia have changed me. I have stopped drinking gin, my varicose ulcer has significantly subsided, and I have almost completely stopped coughing. I cannot remember a time when I felt so great. I have told Julia of my feelings about O'Brien being on our side. She thinks that I am right, and that sometime soon we should try to contact him. I have also learned that Julia can be quite insightful into the Party's actions. For example, she proposed one day that it was not the enemy who continued to drop rocket bombs on us, and that it was the Party, as a way to keep people scared and to remind them that Oceania is at war. But when I begin to speak with her about the Party's motives, beliefs, and ideas, she seems not to care. Her response is that it is all lies, so why think about it. I find the the Party's motives mysterious, and I strive to understand them. But Julia does accompany me in my quest for truth. Despite this, I still love her, and I am afraid to lose her. I can sense that we will soon be caught. But until then, we must continue to commit our small acts of rebellion, and enjoy every minute of it.

A Sanctuary (Part Two, Chapter Four)

When Mr. Charrington agreed to let me use his spare room for my affair with Julia, I was positively ecstatic. Finally a place where we could meet and feel like a real couple. So close at hand and convenient, it is the perfect spot for us to see each other. But even though it seems so safe, I still feel uneasy about the whole relationship. I know that I have committed thoughtcrime, and I know that I will soon be caught and tortured. Sometimes this just seems like too much, and I am not ready to face it. But the more I am with Julia, the stronger and more confident I feel. I was overjoyed when she brought sugar, bread, jam, and real coffee. I had not tasted such succulent food since any time I can remember. The overall feeling of freedom that I get when I meet with Julia, that not only comes from her, but also from the room, the food, and simply the act of being there, makes me realize how much more I hate the Party. How could they rob me of such basic pleasures. They have tried to steal my humanity. But I will not let them.

The Second Meeting (Part Two Chapter Three)

We met again in the belfry of an abandoned church. Every time we meet, I feel my love growing stronger and stronger for her. She has opened my eyes in many ways regarding the Party. Yet at the same time, I wish that she cared more about what the significance of our affair and the Party is, as opposed to simply her own self-centered reasons for our relationship. She believes that the individual can triumph over the Party. I disagree; only far in the future will the Party be destroyed, and we can only work towards that point now, although we might never see it achieved. Still, I am overjoyed every time I am with her, and I cannot wait to see her again. I can only hope that there are more people like her, so that the conspiracy against the Party may grow.

A Political Act (Part Two, Chapter Two)

It was a beautiful late spring day when I made the perilous journey to meet my mysterious lover. When I had reached the countryside and began to walk through the old lanes with no one around, I realized how congested and polluted the city of London had become. The fresh and warm breeze caressed my lightly as a walked briskly down the dirt path. Then it struck me that I should bring some flowers with me to greet her. As I picked up some wildflowers from the field next to the road, I felt the soft touch of a feminine hand on my shoulder. I turned around and saw that it was her, looking as beautiful as ever. We quietly walked to the clearing where we were supposed to convene. The rest of the afternoon was heavenly. I found out that her name was Julia. She hated the Party too, particularly the Inner Party. She said that she had had affairs with many different Party members. My heart leaped at this because it showed that there was truly a large amount of people who were also willing to commit such a dangerous act for personal enjoyment, and to attack the Party. Maybe there really is a Brotherhood, and that it is more widespread than I thought. I yearned to be part of that rebellion, to take part in the destruction of Oceania. I wanted so much to create a normal society where everyone could live freely and contentedly. But for now, the closest I could be to that would be to be with Julia. Simply our relationship hurt Oceania, even though no one knew about it but ourselves.

After wandering through the surrouding forest for awhile, we returned to the clearing. There we had sex. There was no difficulty like there had been with Katherine. It was natural and felt right. I realized what the Party had deprived me of for so many years. They had tried to kill the animal sex instinct. But they had not. At least not in Julia or me. I felt a sensation that I had not felt for many years. I think that I had had it for my mother, but it was different then and did not feel exactly like this. It was love. I did not want to let it go. Even if I was caught and tortured in the most inhumane of ways, I would not stop loving her, no matter what.

Part Two, Chapter 1: Quite a Surprise

At first I did not know what to do. When I saw what the note said from the dark haired girl, I was shocked. Love in relationships is forbidden. I thought she was a member of the thoughtpolice, that she wanted to turn me in and have me killed. But she seemed to be on my side. I wondered how I would get in contact with her. For many days of frustration and restlessness I thought about her. I thought about the Party's close watch on everyone, and how it would be nearly impossible to get in touch with her. I could only hope that for those few days she would not change her mind and decide to avoid me. Maybe she thought I was ugly and not worth it and decided against any relationship. Only short glimpses of her assured me that she was still around. Finally, I saw her sitting at a table alone in the canteen, and was able to get to her before anyone else got in the way. In a quick conversation she told me that we were to meet in Victory Square, later that same day. I could barely control my emotions through the rest of the workday. I was filled with a mix of excitement, fear, and joy. I wanted to talk more with her and get to know her. But I knew that I had to stay calm and collected and maintain the same look of grim optimism in the face of the ever watching telescreens.

Later that day I saw her in the square, and waited until the appropriate time to run up next to her. In a huge crowd of people watching the passing of a convoy carrying Eurasian prisoners, I got near enough to her to exchange a few words. She said we were to meet somewhere in the country on Sunday afternoon. I longed so much for it to be then. I could not wait to learn about her feelings about the Party. I wanted it to be just like my dream about her, except now I actually desired her. I was both sexually and emotionally attracted to her. The next few days of enduring the Party's demonstrations and ridiculous gatherings would be unbearable, but I would just have to do it for the dark haired girl.

Diary of the Truth: First Thoughts (Part One)

Nothing is right. Nothing is what it seems.... Sometimes I feel I am about to explode with anger. But I know I cannot. I must not. Otherwise I will be killed, annihilated-vaporized.... The Party's ideologies make no sense. They are contradicting and confusing. Doublethink it is called. I know that life was different, it must have been. I can feel it deep down in my bones. But there is no hard evidence of this. Well, except for one item that I found many years ago. But that is gone now.

I personally know of no one, except for maybe one person who is with me, who hates the Party, who hates its slogans, its parades, community events, and of course Big Brother. I do not have any real proof of him being on my side, besides a few sidelong glances, and one or two moments when he seemed to agree with me, and assure me that he was with me. O'Brien is his name. He has a peculiarly disarming way of repositioning his glasses on his nose. This comforting gesture seems to indicate his alliance with the rebels, with the Brotherhood. But for all I know he is just as Party-loyal and orthodox as my imbecile neighbor Parsons, or that dark haired girl from the Ministry of Truth, who's Anti-Sex League Belt and outlandish displays of anger during the Two Minutes Hate just ooze with mindlessness loyalty to Big Brother. Hopefully though, I am wrong. I yearn with such strength that my assumptions are correct. I just wish that I could have some real evidence that someone is on my side in the seemingly hopeless struggle to defeat this crushing totalitarian regime which controls every second of my life.

Oh, how scary children are. After aiding the withered Mrs. Parsons with her clogged drain, I was bombarded by her maniacal offspring. They seemed positively sub-human as they chanted harsh words like traitor, thoughtcriminal, and Eurasian spy, and danced around me in a circle. I could see the glint in their eyes and knew that despite their young age, they were a serious threat. The Party has encouraged children of Party members to spy on and turn in their own parents to the Thoughtpolice. Organizations like the Junior Spies and the Youth League promote this ridiculous behavior in them from the time they can speak. When they outgrow these organizations, they join others, such as the one that promotes celibacy, or they start to frequent loathsome places like the community center. All the time the Party's propaganda is forced on their impressionable minds. Even the intelligent ones seem to absorb such nonsense easily. But they use more complicated methods, like doublethink, to justify the multitude of contradicting lies the Party presents to them on a daily basis. The less intelligent ones are completely dumbfounded by the amount of information they are shown, and they end up believing it after awhile, because the authorities say it is correct, and no one tells them otherwise. It seems absolutely ridiculous how the Party maintains such a tight grip over its people.

The only way to live in Oceania and not be constantly monitored by the Party is to be a prole. At 85 percent of the population, they could easily destroy Oceania's totalitarian society whenever they want to. But they are blinded by their individual hardships created by the extreme state of penury that they live in. The Party trusts that the squalor that they exist in will prevent them from becoming truly educated, and therefore unable to grasp grander ideas, like freedom and equality. I wish I could have the freedom of a prole. Even if it should mean I live in severe poverty in a cramped old building constantly in danger of being struck with a rocket bomb. But just think, no telescreens, no community center, and best of all, the freedom to express myself.

In an effort to escape an entire evening of having the Party's ideals drilled into my head at the wretched community center, I decided to wander through the prole section of London the other day. After a bold decision to question an elderly man about life before the Revolution, and after I recieved absolutely no useful information, I found myself walking past the little antiques shop where I had bought this diary. I love antiques. They gleam with the light of a past age, when life seemed more glorious and free and unique. In the shop I bought a small glass paperweight with coral inside of it. After conversing with the shopkeeper, I left and saw the dark haired girl from the Ministry down the alley from me. Then I realized how crazy it had been to wander into the prole section in the first place! I was setting myself up for disaster. I watched her shapely body walk down the street towards me, her beautiful dark hair resting on her shoulders. I thought she must have been a member of the Thoughtpolice. I thought I was done for. But when she passed me without even a glance, I started to run home. Then I thought I should kill her, but I decided against it. I knew I would be caught soon, I knew I was doomed to be tortured and then killed for being the only one who believes the truth. All I could do was wait and hope.